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What is sarcasm and why are we discussing it here? Reasons for being sarcastic

Sarcasm is a form of communicating one thing by saying the opposite. Sometimes sarcasm may be humorous and playful and there is nothing wrong with that. As long as there is no intention to hurt, or indirectly criticize other people, sarcasm, (and self-sarcasm), could be a sign of a good sense of humor, wit, or intelligence. On the contrary, it may be perceived as aggressive, if the intention is to undermine, distract, or change others.

PS. Sarcasm is often used in art usually as a political commentary. We will not discuss this kind of sarcasm in this article.

Subtle sarcasm differences regarding intentions

1. Are we just mean?

Unfortunately, in many cases, sarcasm is not used with a really good intention. If we use it to hurt or challenge* the person at the receiving end, it may be a fair indication that a relationship  – of any kind – is not based on mutual love and respect. The English definition of the word sarcasm means “the use of irony to mock or convey contempt”. 

There must be some elements of negativity, and toxicity, mainly from the person that it has been sarcastic. Something might be wrong regarding respect, admiration, and values (we will discuss later what are our options in dealing with such a problem, depending on the circumstances).

Sarcasm vs Constructive Criticism

We can assume, that sarcasm used to spoil others, represents a quite brutal and indirect way of expressing criticism. It is not a constructive one, although a strong enough person could use it constructively. By constructive criticism, we mean a subtle way of helping others to rethink or reconsider their behavior or choices by just suggesting another point of view. Or by adding a new perspective in their way of thinking through the offering of a different view.

Constructive criticism stems from love, compassion, and kindness. It is also given at the right time (timing), and definitely (or most of the time) not publicly. Unlike sarcasm’s uncertainty and ambivalence, it offers support and safety for the other person to flourish.

* In case it is a challenge (fair or not) it is not communicating directly, so the possibilities of resolving the problem or giving the chance of argument are minimized.

The etymology of the word supports the idea that sarcasm can be harsh and bitter.

Sarcasm: ‘tear flesh’, in late Greek ‘gnash the teeth, speak bitterly’ (from the Greek word sarx, meaning sark- ‘flesh’).

The etymology and the meaning of the synonyms of the word sarcasm, also support the idea above. These are the Greek word Χλευάζω (Chlevaso), and the English word Taunt, meaning respectfully:

Χλευάζω (Chlevaso):  εμπαίζω, διασύρω τινὰ χλευάζων = διασύρω κάποιον εμπαίζοντάς τον

Chlevazo (v.): meaning I vilify someone through mocking.

In English :

Taunt (v.)

Meaning: a remark made to anger, wound, or provoke someone.

2. Anger, resentment, fear, or disappointment behind our sarcastic comments

Sarcasm may be also a sign that there are unresolved issues between the people involved.  Sarcasm may hide resentment, anger, fear, or disappointment. Or it may be a disguised way to complain about something. If this is true and there are still some feelings of love hidden behind sarcasm, then sarcasm could be used as an opportunity to discuss the problem and find solutions. Why, instead of using a distractive way to make our point, do not use a more constructive one, by revealing some of the thoughts and feelings regarding the situation?

In this case, we could use it as a means of improving relationships and becoming more open with one another.

3. Sarcasm as a means of changing others

We may use sarcasm as an attempt to change others. Through sarcasm, we tell others what we do not like in them, although not directly. This is usually the case within the family and intimate relationships, where most of the time love is rarely being disputed. Nevertheless, by using sarcasm most probably will be felt as Non-love. Similar to the one discussed in the previous section, we may secretly hope that by being sarcastic we may stress our point in a way that will be eventually heard. That is through causing pain. Most of the time it will boomerang.

A deeper analysis of why we become sarcastic

Sarcasm implies a nonacceptance of other people’s weaknesses (if there are any), struggles, or difficulties.  In some cases, we have no faith in other people’s values, skills, or abilities (although they must have some). It also implies that we do not accept their different understanding perspectives, or gaps in their understanding (if this is the case).

At the same time, we have no intention to help them creatively (through love). On the contrary, as the etymology indicates, the aim is to disempower them even more, and as such, is an act of meanness. Under this perspective, we could categorize sarcasm as a mild destructive force, that seeks to psychologically wreck others. Finally, we may become sarcastic towards people who we feel competitive about or we think of them as threatening. 

Deeper reasons that trigger sarcasm

(Some of them are interwoven)

A. Envy: envy’s main characteristic is its intense drive to spoil someone or a situation.

B. Competition: I perceive you as dangerous, and this is my way to fight you.

C. Stress my feelings of “superiority”. I am better, I am doing better than you.

D. I feel better for myself if I criticize others

E. Feelings of inferiority: envy.

F. I have decided that you are a foe* and for that reason, I do not love you. You deserve punishment instead of help. That also implies that I am better and therefore, I know, or I am doing better than you. By hurting you I become the “law”. Or I perceive you as threatening, and I need to shut you down.

*Even if this is the case why do I need to tell you, if not to help you…?

G. Anger, resentment, bitterness: you hurt me, and this is the way to pay you back.

H. Wrong perspective regarding how to resolve problems or how to help people. If I  hurt you I might make my point and you will take it under consideration.

J. Naivety: we do not realize that we might hurt and disempower other people.

How could we deal with sarcasm?

Facing sarcasm could make us conscious of or protect us from toxic relationships, or help us improve our relationships and ourselves.

Should we take challenging sarcasm seriously? Absolutely. As we mentioned above, sarcasm might be a form of criticism. In one of our first articles on our SHARE LV group on FB back in 2018 (SHARE Lv Facebook Group) listening to other people’s criticism, regardless of whether their motives seem dark or immaculate, wise, or ingenuous or convey negative energy, can trigger introspection and genuine connection with ourselves. Having the courage to face criticism may be an opportunity to understand a certain problem and do something to resolve it.

Follow the link to learn more:

Criticism, confidence, and self-development

But at the same time, we should also place the people who are sarcastic towards us, in the right place in our hearts. Depending on the case*, sarcastic people do not usually really love us or care about us. Or they are not aware of what love is. Love can not be cruel. Love does not cause pain. Under this perspective, they are not able to help and support us. They are not to be trusted or rely on. Sarcasm usually diminishes feelings of trust and love. To go even further, sometimes, sarcastic people will be an obstacle in our improvement, because our improvement will prove them wrong.

*Still, we do not have to go on the other far end. If we are hurt by other people’s sarcasm, and we still care about our relationship with them, or overall we consider them nice people, we could choose to discuss the situation with them. Or even ignore them, although not aggressively. 

Sarcasm within a family

Sarcasm within the family may be used to express indirectly feelings of disappointment or as an indirect way of punishing the child (or the partner) for not meeting the parent’s (or partner’s) expectations or values. But such a stance may have the opposite results. Most probably will emotionally weaken the child and will make it feel bad and unworthy. The child may internalize the parent’s voice and carry it out throughout adulthood. Feelings of unworthiness are one of the main causes of a lack of mental and emotional resilience.

In the case of intimate personal relationships, this kind of intention behind sarcasm does not help, as we are not able to directly communicate our objections. By doing so, we are not leaving any space for understanding, and more importantly, resolutions.

In a few words

Sarcasm usually aims to hurt or change other people. It would be good to avoid it especially when we address it to people we love, care for, and have feelings about (e.g., to our children or our partner). If we want to help our children or the people we love, it would be more constructive if we could approach our and their problems with compassion, love, openness, or courage.

Sarcasm and Love

This article is concerned about sarcasm concerning love. Are love and sarcasm compatible? It depends on motives and intentions. As such, we incorporate this article in the broaden SHARE Lv chapter that is called Love is…

Quoting from our SHARE Lv article: “Love is…to lift you when others let you down”: 

“Love…“fashionable” usage in our days, yet, unfortunately, quite often, with no feasible meaning and application.

We, humans, are obsessed with the notion of love. We are desperately looking for it since the day we are born.

Nevertheless, especially in recent years, we are more confused than ever regarding its meaning and definition, and the way that is experienced and expressed.

Example:

Why do parents, who without a doubt love their children deeply, and care about them the most, respond in an unloving and sometimes cruel way to them? Disapproving (secretly or not), insulting, comparing, criticizing, humiliating, threatening, mocking, letting down, and even worse…using them?

In many cases, this is also the way of lovers, friends, companions, and husbands/spouses.

SHARE LV introduces the “Love is…” series. Short, awakening ideas, thoughts, advice, scientific, cultural, and other perspectives that may help us understand in a meaningful way what the components of love may be, as well as how we “learn” and feel what love is…”

Related articles on SHARE LV

Kindness: its role in mental health and psychological resilience

Love is…to lift you when others let you down

Famous quotes about sarcasm

Love: strong feelings of affection

About caring 

Illustration: Wild Bee by Robert Neubecker.

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Elissavet Georgiadis (Mental Health Professional – PgDipMT, GSMD – City University)