WHAT ARE THE HIDDEN GEMS WE RECEIVE THROUGH OUR FAMILY'S HABITS/CULTURE?

[Janee]

There is a saying “Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater”.  Looking back at our family life- do we tend to forget the value of things given, due to the over-shading of pain or judgement? How much value have we actually received from the way our parents acted?  When I look back myself, into my family life, I can see that there are gems which were given to me which in review, I can say that I am actually grateful for.  Sometimes a gem is given in a black or dirty napkin- and you tend to want to through the whole thing away- before you open it.  But I think we can all look back at things ‘given’ to us by our parents habits and ways and discover so much more than what we can imagine.

Let me give an example.  I hated my father for being a minimalist who insisted that one should have one item- in some cases perhaps 2, of everything ( I don’t include under-garments and socks here…) which meant that clothes, shoes or toy collecting was out of the question.  Watching other children owning heaps of stuff made me feel inferior and wanted to buy most things.  I eventually got a part time job to finance my extra needs which led me to work and even pay for my studies. Today looking back- I realize that my father had saved me from overspending and feeling lack in a society of over-consumption and debt.

But to take this one step further.  What about the things our parents did, that we never noticed.  Like that special  soup (recipe of great-great grandmother) that was served every Christmas that was eaten so haphazardly.  What kind of love and expertise was stuck in the soup as we gobbled it down to get to the meat dish?  Is it time to scoop up that recipe or shall we let it waste to the shreds of time, or bring it out of the closet for our family today.  What kind of possible benefit is there in sustaining? I wonder….

[Elissavet]

Hello Janee,

Thank you very much for raising this important, I would say, family subject.

I can see three sub-subjects here:

1. Focus on the positive. Keep the positive

2. Boundaries imposed by our parents and how we experienced such boundaries through our childhood

3. Small or “hidden” acts of love or care or creativity that our parents consciously or unconsciously transmitted or communicated to us  adding to a more loving, caring or creative perception of the world

Focus on the positive it can help us accept the love of our parents, sth that may help us reconcile with them. Experiencing the love of our parents it can be really empowering. Nevertheless, if negative issues regarding our relationship with our parents are still operating inside,  we should probably not reject or avoid to face them but try to find ways to resolve them

Boundaries are important to all relationships and they might be helpful depending on the way and the special quality that they were imposed on us. For example, some of the parents that I have met through my work as a therapist, impose boundaries on their children out of logic (they “must” do that…), or they do not impose boundaries on their children out of fear. The question is: can we impose boundaries out of love?

Small or “hidden” acts of love, care or creativity seems to me to be real little family gems that enrich our childhood and offer to us and to our children, real examples of love and beauty.

 

 

[Janee]

Hi, I like the perspective of your 3 points.

[Mike]

Unfortunately,
As children we are taking seriously our parents’ “non-love”. These real “non-love” incidents should be carefully examined as they determine our way of responding in similar situations later in life. I believe that you are ready to accept the positive if reconciliation has been preceded.

[Pete]

Mike,

My parents are too old. I do not want to disappoint them.

Additionally, we are not vulnerable kids anymore…

 

[Janee]

Hi, Can you clarify a bit?  When you say your parents are too old, what do you mean?  Do you mean that you cant change the past?  What I am talking about is happening in our head, for me, it makes no difference if our parents are alive, old or dead. Gratitude, forgiveness, discovery etc can happen even when the persons are not available.

[Mike]

Dear Pete,

My view is that it’s important to understand why someone has become the person who she/he is. Then, we are free to make  better choices

Nevertheless, what people want to achieve or experience in their lives and what makes them happy is far too personal and quite time-consuming to discuss it here

You probably know better for yourself than I know and that’s fair

 

[Janee]

You are right.  I think it is worth to replay certain ‘non-love’ scenes in our mind -putting our self in the position of us as a child then- but this time to experience these same scenes from our perspective today. What could we say to our child self today?

If I replay these scenes in my mind, I always have such greatfulness towards my parents because I know they were doing their best and what they ended up giving me was very valuable, regardless of the form.

[Pete]

Hi,

My parents were very nice to me. There were some incidents of “non-love”  but I do not want to discuss those incidents with them, because they may feel sorry or frustrated.

I also believe that as adults we cannot blame anyone else but ourselves for any situation that we are not happy with. We are not little kids anymore, we have the power to take action and change what does not make us happy.

[Mike]

Is a selfish parent a loving parent? In that respect, is the idealization of our parents a good thing for our personal development? Is there a better way to deal with these issues? Accepting our parents is a very important and crucial step in our development. The question is how we get there? Is it through the oppression of our feelings or is it through the work with ourselves (facing, accepting ourselves first)? If we can’t accept ourselves how can we accept our parents? Or the other people?

[Christina]

Family themes are always very interesting. However, people often cannot recognize the hidden gems they receive through their families and they find it hard to focus on the positive side of these messages. In such cases the questions asked in therapy can prompt new ways of thinking and lead to a process of re-construction of meanings.

[Annaana]

Hello Mike,
I like your approach very much!

[Mike]

Thanks Amanda

[Author]

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