I CANNOT AVOID CRITICIZING MY CHILD. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Hello MariaKo, thank you so much for trusting SHARE Lv and posting such an important and critical question. I hope you will find here the answers that you are looking for.
Here is what I think about that matter.

1. Criticism is not always something that should make us feel guilty. In any case, guilt may underline a problem, but it does not serve its solution. It is our right to hold different opinions and views on a subject, having different standards, or wanting something “more” in life. This may lead to a form of “criticism”. For example, if one of our values is thoughtfulness, and someone else is more of an impulsive nature, you may criticize his or her impulsiveness. Sometimes this is inevitable, and humane, even within a family and even between parent and child. Nevertheless:

2. Criticism may be destructive if eventually weakens the other person. In other words, only if it is expressed in such a way that is not of any help. This may happen:

• When we do not take into consideration how the other person may feel or how mature or ready is to discuss or accept criticism without being hurt. Children especially are very sensitive to criticism as they tend to literally believe anything their parents say or express through their behavior. Even if they react to criticism, or pretend that they do not mind, they may internalize it and make it part of their psyche (e.g., Ι am not good…). Such a realization will shift the focus from criticism to support. If we believe that certain behavior, or habit, or personality trait is not beneficial to our children’s progress, we should support them to overcome such a challenge and find ways to empower, instead of criticizing them.
• If it stems from our own insecurities, and not from a benign intention to express our concerns about a person we really care about. For example, if our own fears of failure are projected into the child. In reality, we are concerned about our children. We do not want them to fail. But our concern is expressed in a negative way.
• If it is used as a means for changing others so they will fit our own standards or serve our own purposes.
• If it is used as a means of manipulation and control. This one is similar to the above.
• If it is the product of resentment, bitterness, or hate.
• If we are just mean.
Please let me know if any of the above apply to your case. Understanding the problem is important in order to discuss your concerns further.
Thanks again!

Such a great analysis Elissavet! Bravo

Ho Elissavet, thank you for your comments. I think that you are right. Only if we are mean or selfish we should be feeling guilty, but this is rarely the case in parent-child relationships. Still, we have to work on our own insecurities as you say, and focus on supporting the child. Thanks again.

Hi everyone,

Thank you MariaKo for posting. From my experience, it is difficult to control these thoughts. And then you are left with a sad feeling. How can I change that?

Hi Elissavet,
I also believe that it is important to find the balance between criticism and expressing our concerns, or thoughts as parents.
It is very helpful to think that as parents we have the right to hold different views but the key here is the way that we present them to the child.

Hi Elissavet,
I will disagree with you. As long as there is criticism, then there is also a problem. Love for me means total acceptance of the other, and not wanting to change them in any way.

Hi Ken,

thank you for contributing to the discussion. Your comments will help clarify some points.
Having a different opinion does not mean you are being critical. Children and parents have the right to think differently. To me, criticism implies a refusal to accept different opinions. I interpret it as implying that another person’s opinion or perspective is wrong, and therefore the person who holds such an opinion or perspective does not meet MY expectations. PS. This is not necessarily just selfish, but it may also imply secret parental fears or a lack of self-confidence that has to be addressed.